


And I Don’t Want to Fall to Pieces

by MorganD



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, M/M, Set on episode 1.09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 21:07:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11586210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganD/pseuds/MorganD
Summary: For a second, Alec wonders if he’s actually awake. It feels like a bad dream. It feels like a nightmare he’s had before. A dark, dirty room. The smell of ashes and rot. His heart hammering in his ears. Jace attacking him. The weight of Jace’s body on top of him combined with a furious look on his face. Being held down forcefully to the ground, unable to escape. Looking up into Jace’s eyes and seeing no signs of playfulness, no affection for him, no reverence for what they are to each other.





	And I Don’t Want to Fall to Pieces

**Author's Note:**

  * For [razielsblade](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=razielsblade).



Alec holds the back of Meliorn’s neck a little tighter while drawing the protection rune on the pillar. The whole situation had already put his nerves on edge  _before_  the werewolves showed up,  _before_  his escort team vanished in the blink of an eye. The entire mission is in his hands now. He can’t fail.

The wall that hides the entrance to the City of Bones crumbles down, revealing the statue of the robed skeleton with a replica of the Mortal Sword in its hands. Ten steps more, and they’ll be inside.

“Alec!” calls an annoyingly familiar voice from behind.

He wishes he could be surprised to find Clary there, trying to keep him from doing his job, but really, what else is new? He  _is_ surprised that she managed to elude Jace somehow, in spite of her almost entire lack of training.

He turns to her, but says nothing. He has no time for her drama.

But then the surprise… the horrible surprise… arrives. And Alec senses it before he actually turns back ahead to see it.

Jace. Blocking his path. Giving Alec the same hard, icy stare he gives his enemies before a fight.

Something inside Alec starts crumbling down as well. “You told me you were taking Clary back to the Institute. You  _lied_  to me.”

“I did what needed to be done,” Jace replies.

Succinct words, dispassionate tone. When did  _lying to him_  become a necessity?

The little girl is between them now, talking, talking, talking. “Alec, the Clave has gone too far. You have to see that. Please, just let Meliorn go.”

Oh, Angel, how can someone be so ignorant? Just let him go? Is the concept of _consequences_  entirely foreign to her? Was the mundane world that deprived of order that she couldn’t even grasp the basic notions of lawfulness and discipline? Do mundanes just do whatever they want whenever they want, and screw everything else? “I have my orders.”

“You and your damn orders!” she shrieks. “Who cares about orders?”

_‘Who cares?’ she asks me. And then she wonders why I call her ‘little girl’._  “See? That’s how little you know about being a Shadowhunter. You couldn’t possibly understand…”

“It’s you who doesn’t understand, Alec,” interrupts Jace. “Not this time.”

Doesn’t he? Seeing Jace take Clary’s side against him—again!—only leads Alec to the conclusion that he understands  _perfectly well_.

This is the last thing Alec wants. Going against his parabatai, it’s unthinkable. But he has no choice.

He sidesteps Clary easily, pushing Meliorn forward. “I’m really sorry.”

For a second, Alec wonders if he’s actually awake. It feels like a bad dream. It feels like a nightmare he’s had before. A dark, dirty room. The smell of ashes and rot. His heart hammering in his ears. Jace attacking him. The weight of Jace’s body on top of him combined with a furious look on his face. Being held down forcefully to the ground, unable to escape. Looking up into Jace’s eyes and seeing no signs of playfulness, no affection for him, no reverence for what they are to each other.

He hears Clary and Meliorn’s footsteps fading away as they make their escape, and gulps at the realization that he’s left with another failure to add to his long, long list of inadequacies.

“You always broke the rules, but never the law,” he tells Jace, praying that he can still make his parabatai see sense. “Not until  _she_  showed up.”

“You’ve had it out for Clary from the start,” accuses Jace.

Alec won’t dispute that. Why should he? Even if she wasn’t working for Valentine, the girl has been proving his reservations right at every turn.

“And now you’re getting married, Alec?” There was a hint of despair in Jace’s tone that confuses Alec. “We both know what this is about!”

“Oh, do we?” Really, this should be good. Jace showing he  _understands_. If he understood, he wouldn’t be sabotaging Alec and keeping him from doing his job! “Okay. Why doesn’t  _the legend_ , Jace Wayland, tell us what’s it about?”

“It’s about me!” Jace roars. “It’s about your feelings, it’s because you’re in…”

No.

Just no.

Those words can’t be said.

Never.

Never-never-never-never-never.

He’s on his feet, but he can’t tell how he got there. He’s fighting. He’s knocking down Jace flat on the floor—for the second time in nine seconds—but he’s barely aware of his own movements. Jace gets up again, and Alec keeps punching, kicking, dodging, jabbing, blocking, hitting, non-stop, no pause to breathe, because those words cannot be allowed to come out.

It will be his ultimate failure if they ever are.

Jace goes down a third time, and this time Alec kneels on his chest, pulls his seraph blade, and holds it against Jace’s throat. This needs to work. This has to keep the words inside. He stares into Jace’s eyes and silently  _begs_  him to keep his mouth shut.

What Alec finds in those eyes… he doesn’t understand. He thought he knew all the moods, emotions, and secrets those eyes hid behind their mismatched colors, but what he sees now is something he can’t recognize or comprehend. It’s never been there before.

Jace slowly raises his hands, resting them on Alec’s legs, not resisting.

And then he raises his head.

Pressing his neck against Alec’s blade.

Alec gasps, uses his knee to make sure Jace is pinned to the ground.

But Jace just keeps bringing his head up slowly. As if the sword weren’t there.

Except… it  _is_. And the sharp edge easily cuts into Jace’s skin, spilling his blood over the collar of his shirt and jacket.

Horrified, Alec pulls back the blade, bringing it close to his own chest. He can’t hurt his parabatai.

Jace reaches up to hold Alec’s head between his hands.

And as if it were the most natural thing to do, as if it were something they had done thousands of times before, Jace kisses Alec on the lips.

It’s not a chaste kiss. It’s sweet, persistent, sucking slightly at Alec’s lower lip. It ends too soon, with a noisy peck, before Jace lies back down, gazing up at him with a dreamy smile.

And blood pouring all over the ground.

Alec is too shocked to react for a moment, but comes back to his senses soon enough. He drops the sword at once, takes his stele, lifts Jace’s shirt and activates the iratze on the right side of his stomach.

The wound closes quickly, skin mending in seconds. The amount of blood lost doesn’t look lethal, but Alec traces the amissio rune just in case.

Meanwhile, Jace does nothing but look at him with that same grin.

In a daze, Alec scrambles to his feet, staggers to the pillar, and redraws the protection rune. The crumbled bricks immediately rush back up to rebuild the wall and reseal the entrance to the Silent City.

And then Alec slumps to the ground, sitting on the steps beside the pillar, and burying his head in his hands. He needs to wake up. He needs to open his eyes and see the ceiling over his bedroom, tinted by the colorful light coming through the stained glass. He needs to hear the typical sounds of the Institute in the morning, the birds singing outside, and his cell phone buzzing with alerts for the day’s agenda.

He needs to be somewhere other than here, with his life falling to pieces.

He feels a hand petting his nape, hears his name being called with fondness. He doesn’t want to open his eyes, but he  _has_  to.

Jace is kneeling in front of him, practically between Alec’s legs.

“You knew,” Alec mutters venomously. “Damn you to fucking hell, Wayland, you knew all along.”

“I don’t know about ‘all long’. But I’ve known for a couple of years,” Jace admits.

“And you never said anything.”

“Should I have? Neither did you. I thought we had a tacit agreement not to talk about it.” Jace keeps playing with the hair at the back of Alec’s neck. “I suppose I should have wondered if you  _knew_  about our tacit agreement when you tried to apologize for what happened with the memory demon.”

Alec presses his fists against his eyes, cursing under his breath. He had thought Jace’s reaction then was evidence of his blissful ignorance of Alec’s forbidden feelings. Now he realizes Jace was simply making sure that Alec didn’t compromise himself.

Alec knows he needs to apologize. Beg Jace’s forgiveness for tainting their bond with unspeakable desires. However, he’s too furious at Jace to even form the words in his mind. Maybe Alec deserves to have his feelings thrown in his face. Maybe he deserves having them ridiculed in a mocking kiss. But the fact that Jace used  _that_  to win a fight against him… it offends him in a much deeper way.

“Now, can we  _please_  quit this nonsense about you marrying Lydia Branwell?” says Jace, his hand coming down to rest on Alec’s shoulder.

“It’s not nonsense.”

“Really? You want to tell me the amazing story of how she appeared out of nowhere and you fell in love with her at first sight?”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m not the one being ridiculous here, Alec! You have to realize your jealousy has taken you way too far.”

“My… jealousy?” Alec stares at Jace, perplexed. “Are you serious? Do you really think this is all about me being jealous?”

Jace arches an eyebrow in a skeptical grimace.

“Angel, of course you’d make it all about you.”

“Well, what’s it about, then?” Jace asks, defiantly.

“We’re about to lose  _everything_ , Jace. Don’t you get it? All the unsanctioned missions we pulled in Clary’s behalf have convinced the Clave that the Lightwoods can’t be trusted to command the New York Institute. I thought that would have fallen over my head alone, because I was the one in charge when they happened. If I had known about Mom and Dad being ex-Circle members…” Alec shakes his head, because in all truthiness he doesn’t know what he could have done differently. Judging from tonight’s events, Jace would probably have proceeded with the missions with or without Alec’s help. “With Valentine back and his daughter’s sudden appearance, plus the abrupt changes in leadership of the local werewolf pack and of the local vampire clan, both in a matter of days… the Clave is more suspicious than ever. Best case scenario, we’re letting the situation get out of hand due to sheer incompetence. Worst case, the Lightwoods are cooperating with the enemy.”

“Well, the Clave is  _wrong_!” Jace snaps. “On  _both_  accounts.”

“Even if they are, yelling at them won’t convince them. They need reassurance.”

Jace growls. “Hence their sending Lydia to take over.”

Alec nods. “Frankly, we were lucky they picked her for the job. Her family has a history with ours, and she actually regards the Lightwood name as worthy of respect.”

“So much that she would like to have it for herself, perhaps?” asks Jace with a deriding smirk. “Was it her idea, this wedding thing?”

Alec shakes his head. “It was Mom’s.”

“What?!”

“She and Dad had already decided to remove me from my diplomatic duties and have me marry into an influential family. They hoped a good alliance might placate the Clave’s misgivings.”

“That’s crazy!”

“It is what it is,” Alec grunts. “Lydia was  _my_  choice, though. We’re of similar mind and temper. We can help each other. We  _understand_  each other.”

“You barely know her.”

“Time is not on our side.”

“You’re not in love with her.”

“I never claimed to be. I am not deceiving her. I would never do that.”

Jace studies him for a moment. “Alec… how  _far_  are you willing to take this… marriage?”

Alec clenches his jaw. “As far as necessary.”

Jace groans. “I’m talking about sex,” he clarifies.

“I understood that. Same answer.”

“Alec…”

“I haven’t discussed this with her yet. She has her own baggage to deal with. I don’t know if she wants me that way. If she does… if she wants kids…” Alec shrugs. “We’ll talk. We’ll deal with it.”

“ _Deal_  with it? You’re talking sex and marriage as if you were strategizing a hunting operation!”

“Not hunting,” Alec counters. “A survival operation.”

“That’s not how it’s supposed to be.”

“And just  _how_  is it supposed to be? Were you in love with all the girls you’ve slept with?”

“No, but at least it was physically pleasant for all parties involved.”

Alec grits his teeth. “And you’re that convinced that I can’t do the same for Lydia.”  _Angel, this is mortifying._

“I’m that convinced that she can’t do the same for you.”

“You don’t  _know_  that. I can be just like you.”

“You’re not. And you don’t  _have_  to be. Let’s face it, if you were interested in loveless sex, you’d have done it already. It’s not like there hadn’t been candidates over the years.” Jace shakes his head with conviction. “No. I’m not letting you do this, Alec.”

“ _Letting_  me? I don’t need your permission, Jace.”

“Yes, you do. As your parabatai, I won’t allow you to sacrifice your happiness like this.”

“You don’t know that I won’t be happy,” Alec replies. “Lydia and I get along just fine.”

“I don’t care if Lydia turns out to be simply wonderful and becomes your second best friend after me. You deserve better than a political marriage. You deserve…”

“What? Romance? Kisses in the middle of the ops center? A wedding in gold with the one that I love? That was never in the books for me. I’ve known that my entire life.”

Jace winces. “You saw it.”

“What?”

“In the ops center. When Clary kissed me.”

“You can kiss whoever you want, Jace.”  _Anyone but me_ , Alec wants to add as a warning against any repetitions of the previous stunt, but he doesn’t trust himself to say it without punching Jace again.

“But you were hurt.”

“My feelings on the matter are entirely beside the point.”

“I find that really hard to believe, given the evidence.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Okay, maybe I was wrong about the Lydia thing,” concedes Jace. “But Clary? You don’t miss a single opportunity to bite her head off. You’ve never been known for your congeniality, but you are _particularly_ mean to Clary.”

“Because she drives me  _particularly_  crazy.”

“And you’re sticking to your claim that this has absolutely  _nothing_  to do with me?”

Alec raises a fist between them. He wants to punch Jace so badly.  _Why does he need to humiliate me?_  But for whatever reason—maybe the way Jace is looking at him, maybe the way he’s still squeezing his shoulder—Alec lets his hand fall down. “Maybe not nothing. Maybe about… twelve percent.”

Jace smirks. “Twelve percent.”

“It’s not simply jealousy, though,” Alec insists. “We’re parabatai. I thought that meant something to you.”

“It does!”

Alec snorts. “Right.”

“Alec, Clary lost her entire world. She has nobody but us.”

“Well, problem solved! Because now she is  _your_  entire world.”

Jace rolls his eyes. “So glad to see you’re  _not_  jealous.”

Alec pushes away the hand Jace had on his shoulder.

“I was just trying to help her, Alec.”

“Yeah, and you were  _thrilled_  to do it. The more rules you just  _had_ to break in order to help her, the more determined you got. I would try to remind you of the risks, of everything at stake, but she would just shriek,  _‘I don’t care what you say, I’m gonna do things my way!’_ and you’d rush after her, to back her up on whatever half-assed scheme she’d come up with.”

“You’re selling her way too short.”

Alec sneers sarcastically. “And here’s when you enlighten me about the wonders of Clary Fray.”

“Her heart has always been in the right place.”

“It’s not her heart I’m worried about! It’s her profound lack of knowledge of our world, our history, our politics, the delicate ramifications of our dealings with the Downworlders. And more than that, it’s her complete lack of interest in learning about  _any_  of that. Whatever I tell her, she always thinks she knows best. She wants to be called a Shadowhunter after being with us for less than two weeks, and keeps using her limited perspective and mundane morals to teach me how to do my job.”

“She’s not trying to teach you…”

“ _‘You know what a leader does, Alec? Makes decisions,’_ _”_ says Alec in a high-pitched impression of Clary.

Jace grimaces. “She said that?”

“Yes, she did. And her big decision? To sneak out of the Institute behind my back to return to her mundane loft, where she was promptly kidnapped by werewolves. Remember that?”

Jace sighs and places his hand on Alec’s still clenched fist. “I’m sorry. What I said then… It was uncalled for. I was scared of what might happen to her, and I took it out on you.”

Alec shrugs, feeling uncomfortable with the change in tone. “I was supposed to keep her safe. She had been placed under my care, and I failed to protect her. You were right. My best wasn’t good enough.”

Jace shakes his head vehemently. “It’s not true. That has never been true, not once in your life.”

Alec rolls his eyes. “If you really think that, why are you here? Why are you doing this? Why are you lying to me, going behind my back, coming against me?”

“We couldn’t let Meliorn be interrogated by the Silent Brothers! That is just not right, Alec. He could  _die_. And for what? There’s no reason to think he knows anything about Valentine that he hasn’t told Lydia already.”

“We have no idea what he knows,” Alec retorts. “How did he even know that Clary had found the Mortal Cup?”

Jace frowns.

“It also occurs to me that the one bit of relevant information he offered Lydia was something that conveniently pitted Shadowhunters against Shadowhunters,” adds Alec. “Almost like he wanted to distract her from interrogating him more thoroughly.”

“Fine,” Jace mutter. “Point conceded. But torturing him is not the way to go about it!”

“You think I wanted this? You think it wouldn’t have haunted me forever?”

“But then why…?”

“My peace of mind is not a priority here.”

“What do you think the Seelie Court would do if something happened to Meliorn?”

“The Seelies abruptly cut communications with the Clave before any of this happened. You’re afraid of future hostilities between the Clave and the Seelie Court? That ship is already well on its way.”

“It’s still not  _right_.”

“No, it isn’t,” says Alec matter-of-factly. “But with Valentine fabricating Forsaken that can face up a whole pack of werewolves and cross the Institute’s wards to attack us at our home, and with the Seelies possibly changing their allegiances and helping him strengthen those creatures… If there are more attacks coming, we  _need_  to know. Righteousness isn’t much of a comfort when we see our people die and our world under threat.”

“I’m sorry, Alec. I still don’t agree with you.”

Alec shrugs. “Moot point now. I assume Meliorn is long gone. I just hope you have a plan for damage control.”

“What do you mean?”

“What do you think it’s going to happen now, Jace? The Clave will be more convinced than ever that Meliorn is hiding important information about Valentine. Worse, that this information is so vital that werewolves and vampires, usually mortal enemies, decided to join forces to make sure the Clave doesn’t get it. It won’t be just this one Seelie that the Clave will want to question anymore. They’ll go after werewolves and vampires until they find the ones who helped Meliorn escape.”

“We can’t allow that.”

“What do you want to do? Overthrow the Clave?”

“If we have to!”

“While fighting Valentine on the opposite front? Wow. Your army must be a lot bigger than I thought.”

“You are my army, parabatai,” Jace whispers, squeezing Alec’s hand. “Come with me. We’ll fight them the right way. Together.”

Alec stares at their hands, wishing he could summon back the anger he felt a few minutes ago. “You don’t get to talk to me like that. Not after what you pulled tonight.” The lie, the betrayal… but worst of all, the  _kiss_.

“Alec,  _please_ …”

“The Clave already considers Mom and Dad traitors. If we all just get up and leave now…” Alec shakes his head. “I need to go back to the Institute.”

“Are you going to report us?”

“You mean,  _betray_  you?” Alec snarls. “Not my thing, Wayland.”

“Alec…”

“You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to  _lie_. To the Clave. For you. To  _protect_  you. And Izzy. And the little girl.” Alec lets out a humorless chuckle. “Me? I didn’t see a thing. One second I had Meliorn in my grasp, the next he was gone.  _Puff!_  No idea how it happened. A complete mystery to me. Yes, I’m afraid I really am that incompetent.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Well, I screwed up, didn’t I? As I tried to explain to Clary, if I screw up at my job, I expect to be punished.”

“It’s not fair that you should take the fall for this.”

“Let’s pray it won’t come to that. My most fervent hope right now is that no one from the escorting team reports being attacked by fellow Shadowhunters. Please tell me none of you used Nephilim weapons.”

Jace cringes. “Uh… Isabelle might have… used her whip.”

“Her whip?!” Alec gasps in exasperation. “I could try blaming the Circle for any seraph blades, but who in the Institute would not recognize Izzy’s whip?

Jaces takes both of Alec’s hands in his. “I’m sorry, okay? We should have thought of that.”

“She can’t go back to the Institute for now, Jace. You can’t let her. I need to make sure no one suspects her.” Alec sighs. “You see? This is why I need to marry Lydia. We need to maintain control of the Institute. We can’t keep the peace in the Shadow World by breaking the law and trying to save the Downworlders one rogue operation at a time! Jace, I need to keep our family  _safe_. And keep the ground from opening up beneath us and swallowing us all.”

“There are other ways to…”

“Not to me, there aren’t!” Alec ripostes. “My job, my career in the Institute… it’s all I have. It’s all I could  _ever_ have, and I have given  _everything_ of me to be seen as worthy of it. It was my one hope of justifying my existence.”

“Don’t fucking say that!” Jace’s grip on Alec’s hands becomes almost painful. “You have to know that is not truth. People look up to you, they trust you, because they recognize you as a truly honorable man. You are admired, you are  _loved_ …”

“Shut the fuck up,” Alec hisses viciously.

“No, I won’t! Not about this. You know, even Clary, in spite of all your venom towards her, actually cares about you. When she saw it was you leading the escort team, she suggested we called the operation off. She didn’t want me to have to fight you, Alec.”

Alec stares at Jace for a perplexed moment.

Jace smiles.

And Alec bursts out laughing.

Jace tries to keep smiling, but as the laughter starts to sound more ironic than amused, his smile turns into a scowl. “What?”

“Let me get this straight. Torturing Melion is wrong. Saving Meliorn is right. But wait, Alec is here! We can’t upset Alec. So let’s leave and let Meliorn be tortured.”

Jace flinches. “Okay. That doesn’t sound as good as it did in my head.”

“And come on, Jace, you’re smart enough to know who she was really worried about. Like you said, she didn’t want to put  _you_  in that position.” Alec chortles. “In other words… saving Meliorn was more important than any information we might get from him… but saving you from the inconvenience of fighting me was more important than saving Meliorn. Really, who cares about lives or morals, about right or wrong, about the war against Valentine, or about keeping the order in the Shadow World? The true priority is making sure Jace Wayland’s feelings are spared.”

“Fine,” Jace mutters. “I get your point. That’s probably not what she had in mind, but… Yeah. She made it about me, and she shouldn’t have.”

“And that’s why your fiery little girl drives me  _nuts_  with her attempts at teaching me about leadership. Because, okay, maybe I suck at it. Maybe I’m not good enough for the job. But at least I  _know_  what the job entails. Making decisions, sure, but for the sake of  _everyone_ the leader is in charge of, not just the two or three people she cares about the most.”

Jace sighs and stays silent for a moment, gazing down at their hands. “What a mess.”

“Tell me about it,” replies Alec with a snort.

“Listen… I know that from your perspective it seems like I’ve been putting Clary above everything else and making a lot of stupid choices because of that.”

“Well, yes, that sounds about right.”

“And maybe you’re right about us… me… not considering all the consequences. But I need you to understand that I only ever did what I thought was right. And I never wanted to hurt you.”

_Then why did you kiss me? Why did you use my feelings for you as a weapon against me?_ Alec wants to scream. He doesn’t, though. His eyes are burning, and the last thing he wants right now is to let Jace see him cry. “You and Clary… you’re too much alike. It’s like adding fuel to the fire.”

“Who’s the fuel and who’s the fire?” Jace asks with a little grin.

That little grin digs a hole in Alec’s heart. “You love her.”

Jace blinks and raises his gaze back to his parabatai’s face.

“You love her,” Alec repeats, trying to sound supportive. “It’s okay. I may not get her appeal, but… well… it’s your heart and your choice. I’ll do my best to respect it.”  _We can’t help who we fall in love with._

Jace frowns. “I… don’t know what I feel. It’s different from what I had with other girls I’ve been with. But at the same time, it’s nothing like what I…” He shakes his head. “She means something to me. I don’t know what.”

Alec bits down his lower lip, trying to swallow his bitterness. “She must mean a lot, for you to break the law for her.”

Jace’s brows arch high. “Angel, you’ve completely missed the point, didn’t you?”

“Excuse me?”

“Breaking the law because of her? That’s not what’s going on here. The Clave is  _wrong_. What they’re doing is unacceptable, and I can’t just stand back and watch. And, okay, maybe I’m not going about it the best way I could, which is hardly a surprise considering I haven’t been able to rely on your strategizing and wisdom to guide me. But the thing is, if there’s anyone I would pleasantly break the law for, it’s  _you_. And if the way to prove it is by kissing you right here, at the very gates of the City of Bones, where a Silent Brother could have seen us and promptly de-runed me… well… then I already did that.”

Alec’s eyes widen as he tries to make sense of what he’s just heard. There are a lot of words and they just don’t seem to combine into anything resembling sense. “…what?”

Jace stares at Alec with a look of utter confusion on his face, until finally something seems to click in his mind. “Alec… you do know… that I am in love with you… right?”

Alec breathes in with a hiss, and places his hands on Jace’s shoulders in an instinctive urge to push him away and shut him up.  _Those words cannot be said. Never, never, never._

It takes him almost a minute to realize… the words had not been an accusation… but a confession.

The words had not been about the unspeakable feelings in Alec’s heart.

They were about Jace’s.

Alec keeps staring at Jace, looking for signs of mockery… but all he finds is sincerity and nervous expectation. “You never said…”

“Of course I didn’t. For the same reason you didn’t.” Jace smirks. “Or rather, because I respect the reasons why you didn’t. If it were up to me alone, I’d have broken the taboo ages ago. But you’d never go against the law.”

“You… You really…” But Alec can’t say it. Not after a decade shutting the words down into the deepest, darkest corner of his mind.

Jace, on the other hand, seems to have a lot to say on the matter. “I love you. I’m in love with you. I want you. I want you  _so badly_. I fucking adore you, Alec Gideon Lightwood. I love every bit of your blunt, salty, grumpy, loyal, protective, sarcastic, dutiful, insecure, self-sacrificing, gorgeous self.”

And the words make less and less sense to Alec by the second. “But… Clary… the other girls…”

“ _‘Thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women.’_ No one’s touch or kiss has ever meant as much to me as having your soul knitted to mine.”

Alec emits a soft whimper and rests his forehead against Jace’s.

“You really didn’t know,” Jace marvels, resting his wrists on Alec’s shoulders to entwine his fingers at the back of Alec’s neck.

“If I had known…” Alec hesitates. Can he really say it? Right at the fucking gates of the Silent City? Without the skies tearing apart so Raziel himself can fly down to smite him with his flaming arrows?

“What?” prompts Jace.

“Your assumption… is not entirely correct.”

“Which one?”

_May the Angel forgive me._ “That I’d never go against the law.”

Jace’s heart skips a beat. Alec can tell because the same happens to his.

“You mean…” Jace murmurs. “…we could have…”

“Yes.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Well, if you had told me…”

“It’s not like  _you’ve_  ever told  _me_.”

“That’s because  _I_  didn’t know about  _you_ _!”_

Jace sighs. “Okay, apparently we really suck at the whole ‘tacit agreement’ thing.”

“You think?!”

Their brows are still touching, and half an inch separates their lips. They’re practically talking into each other’s mouths, sharing their breath.

“I hate saying this, but maybe we should actually  _talk_  instead?” suggests Jace.

Alec grimaces. “About our…  _feelings_ _?”_

Jace flinches as well. “I know. We’ll probably be terrible at that, too. But it beats the mess we’ve put ourselves through by trying to keep it all under wraps.”

“Well… then…” Alec gulps, bracing himself. “I suppose… I love you too.”

Jace is smiling from ear to ear as that minuscule space between them vanishes and they exchange a tiny, heartfelt kiss.

They both hold their breath, holding tight to each other, waiting.

No Silent Brother appears to arrest them.

No angel appears to smite them.

They kiss again.

A little more, a little longer, a little less afraid.

It still ends too soon.

Alec sighs. “I really do need to go back to the Institute, Jace. As soon as possible.”

“I know. And I understand.” Jace stands up, and helps Alec to his feet. “I’ll make sure Isabelle waits for your all-clear.”

“What are you going to do now? Should I even ask?”

“We’ll take Meliorn safely back to the Seelie realm, and tell him to stay there.” Jace walks to where Alec had dropped his seraph blade, picks it up, and hands it to him. “Come on, let’s go meet the others.”

* * *

They find Clary, Izzy and Meliorn outside the Hotel DuMort. The last two are too busy making out to even notice their approach, but Clary runs to meet Jace with a relieved smile. She hesitates, though, when she spots Alec walking beside him.

“It’s okay,” Jace assures her, exchanging a look with Alec. “We’re on the same side.”

Clary still eyes Alec like he might start yelling at her at any second now. Which, okay, he probably would have, if his mind were a little less filled with thoughts of Jace and kisses and future conversations about feelings and the many hard decisions he’ll have to make about his engagement, his career, and his life.

“Alec will go back to the Institute and see what hell has broken loose over there,” Jace tells her. “He’ll call us when it’s safe to go back. Where’s Simon?”

“Inside with Raphael,” says Clary. “He said he wants to stay here. Learn to control his… tendencies.”

Jace nods. “I hate to praise him, but it’s a smart decision.”

“I don’t like leaving him,” laments Clary.

“His life will be  _nothing_  like it was before,” says Alec. “He has a lot to learn, and maybe even more to  _unlearn_.” He turns to Jace, hoping his parabatai will grasp that he’s not really talking about Clary’s friend. “He’ll need time.”

Jace holds Alec’s gaze for a moment, and nods.

So maybe they’re not entirely horrible at tacit agreements after all.

“But I have great news,” Clary tells Jace. “Meliorn is really grateful for what we did.”

Jace arches an eyebrow. “That’s… nice, I suppose. Don’t know what makes it  _great_  news.”

“He thanked me for rallying the werewolves and vampires, and for spearheading his rescue. Well, I told him Isabelle was the real force behind this, but he was impressed that I would risk everything to unite the Downworlders.”

Alec crosses his arms over his chest, as if that might help keeping any remarks from coming out.

“He feels sorry for telling Lydia I had the Cup,” Clary continues. “That’s why he’s offering a gift for ‘my sacrifice’. Well, that’s what he called it.”

“What gift?” Jace asks cautiously.

“He said he knows how I can find Valentine.”

Alec represses any sort of outward reaction, but he can sense the tension growing in his parabatai.

“What else did he say?” says Jace. “His precise words, if you can remember.”

Clary shrugs. “ _‘If you’re ready, I can help you find your father.’_  That’s it.”

Alec’s gaze shifts to the man embracing his little sister a few yards ahead.  _He knows how to find Valentine, but he wouldn’t reveal that to the Clave even under threat of being sent to the Silent Brothers. Now he offers the information freely to Clary, to Valentine’s daughter, as a personal reward. What does it all mean?_

“That is great news indeed,” Jace mutters, his tone in sharp contrast with his words.

“We should go,” Clary urges. “I need to find my mom.”

As she turns around to walk towards Izzy and Meliorn, Jace takes the opportunity to grab her bag.

“Hey!” she snaps. “Jace, what are you doing?”

Jace gives her his back to keep her from retrieving the bag, and rummages inside for a moment. He pulls out the Mortal Cup card and the necklace with the portal shard, and offers them both to Alec.

“Jace, no!” protests Clary.

Alec stares at the two objects, a chill running down his spine. “How…?”

“I took your stele when you weren’t looking,” says Jace. “I’m sorry.”

As Alec raises his gaze to glare murderously at Jace, the thought of punching him suddenly feels extremely appealing once more.  _You lying, backstabbing, thieving…_

“I can’t say I regret taking them,” Jace admits. “I’m just not convinced the Clave can be trusted with the Cup, and we need it as leverage against Valentine. But I should never have gone behind your back. I am truly, truly sorry.”

Alec sees the sincere plea for forgiveness in his parabatai’s eyes, and just like that, the anger recedes. He nods millimetrically as the objects are solemnly placed in his hands.

“Jace, he’s going to give them to Lydia, and Lydia will give them to the Clave!” Clary says desperately. “I need them to get my mom back!”

“If you’re going anywhere near Valentine, you shouldn’t have the Cup with you,” counters Alec. “I’ll keep it safe.”

“Jace said they would be the safest with me.”

Alec arches an eyebrow at Jace. “You did?”

Jace twitches his lips. “I was pissed at you.”

Clary lunges forward and makes a grab for the Mortal Cup. Alec merely raises his arm and holds the card way above her head. She jumps a couple of times, trying to reach it. Alec can’t help an amused smirk.

She looks down at Alec’s feet, with a mischievous expression on her face.

“She’s thinking of kicking me, Jace,” says Alec.

“Well, it’s not a bad strategy,” replies Jace with a shrug. “It’s worked for me sometimes. But you have to be a little more subtle about it, Clary.”

The girl steps back, her cheeks turning almost as red as her hair.

“Clary, he’s right,” says Jace in a soothing tone. “You haven’t received enough training. If you’re attacked…”

“I’ve already proven that I can handle myself.”

“Against some demons and vampires, yes. But you’ve never faced Circle members with decades of experience. Or the new Forsaken. Even Alec and Hodge had trouble defeating the one that invaded the Institute, and they’re our best fighters.”

Alec looks at Jace out of the corner of his eye, waiting.

“After me, of course,” Jace amends, winking at his parabatai.

Alec rolls his eyes, and pockets the card.

“You can’t let him take the necklace!” Clary protests. “Meliorn said the portal shard is the key to getting to Valentine.”

With a sigh, Alec fingers the necklace’s chain for a contemplative moment. Then he hands it back to Clary. “Don’t use it unless Jace tells you to. Understood?”

Clary looks mutinous. “I…”

“She understands,” Jace interrupts, giving Clary a warning look.

She glowers at the both of them, but stays quiet. Putting the necklace back in her bag, she moves to join Meliorn and Izzy.

“You find Valentine, you call me,” says Alec sternly, offering Jace his hand. “You do not fight Valentine without me.”

“I hear you, parabatai.” Jace takes his hand and squeezes it between their chests as they hug, the same way they hugged a thousand times before. “And I love you,” he adds in a soft whisper, right into Alec’s ear.

Alec holds him a little tighter. “Yeah,” he mumbles awkwardly. “Same.”

Jace’s quiet laughter feels like a kiss on Alec’s cheek. “God, you’re going to be so bad at this ‘talking feelings’ thing, aren’t you?”

“Fuck you,” Alec grumbles, playfully pushing Jace away.

“I’d like that,” Jace replies with a wink. “But we really should talk first.”

Alec resists the temptation to show him the middle finger, as that would only give Jace more ammunition.

They hold each other’s gaze for a moment more before Alec turns around and starts on his way towards the Institute.

He walks briskly, but doesn’t run. He needs to clear his mind, prepare for the inevitable battle ahead.

Meliorn’s escape will cause ripples that will indubitably harm the relations between Nephilim and Seelies even more, and probably spread the damage to their alliance with the vampires and the werewolves.

The Clave will be turning every stone to find Clary in hopes of recovering the Mortal Cup.

Isabelle might be accused of committing high treason against the Clave.

Whatever Alec has to say to defend her will be met with suspicion due to his parents being former Circle members, a fact that tarnishes his name and reputation in spite of all his personal work and sacrifices.

He can count on Lydia’s support, but only up to a point, as she also has to comply with the orders coming from Idris, and he can’t afford ruining the Clave’s trust in her.

There’s also the matter of their engagement to address, and while from a strategic point of view the plan still sounds perfectly valid, and Lydia is someone he deeply respects and would never wish to hurt or offend, he can’t deny that doubts are creeping into his heart now.

Meanwhile, Jace, Izzy, and Clary might very well be walking into a trap, and he’s not there to protect them.

His entire world is very much coming down to pieces all around him.

Deep inside, though, after a lifetime struggling not to fall in shambles, he starts to feel a little more whole.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a prompt by razielsblade: “Jace ends that fight [episode 1.09] by leaning up to kiss Alec with the blade at his throat.”  
> Originally posted on Tumblr on January 21, 2017.  
> Title from the song “Fall to Pieces” by Avril Lavigne.
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr as morgandeeyue.


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